BREAKING NEWS: Violent riots outside the ASS have broken out. According to reports, surrounding roads have been placed on lockdown, several university libraries have been looted, and Hugh Brady has been taken hostage.
According to eye-witnesses, students initiated the brawl after conversations inside the ASS became so mind-numbingly tedious that violence seemed the only possible escape from the passionless chat about exams and assignments.
The civil strife began when one student – with literally nothing else to do or say – asked what font another was using for his dissertation.
What follows is a transcript of the conversation that began this unrest:
Student A: Me? Well considering I study English, I thought it was only right to go for Courier New. I figure if it looks like I did it on a typewriter, I may surpass the whole post-uni unemployment thing and just automatically become a writer.
Student B: Bold.
Student A: Nah, just regular. Ha. Ha. What about you?
Student B: In keeping with my Ancient History degree I’ve gone for Papyrus, figured it would help me get into the whole BC mind-set.
This now historic conversation has marked the end of small talk and the beginning of micro talk in Bristol.
The brawl that followed continues on, as students with nothing better to do remain locked in a tussle like a merciless game of Twister.
For now, we urge all students to steer clear of micro talk and stay inside. Updates to follow.