Sun’s out, 2:1’s out (the window)

‘It’s physically impossible to revise during this kind of weather. That is a fact’

As hundreds of slices of lime slide into chilled bottles of Corona across Bristol, students are collectively succumbing to their fate of a 2:2.

Undergraduates, who have fought valiantly against procrastination and distraction for almost three years, have this weekend fallen at the final hurdle and been thwarted by the glorious weather.

‘We simply aren’t awarding any degrees higher than a 2:2 this year’ commented senior Chemistry lecturer, Professor Brian Owen, over a glass of Pimms.

‘It’s physically impossible to revise during this kind of weather. That is a fact. Anyone who can study in this heat is obviously cheating and will face automatic disqualification.’

Popular parks such as Brandon Hill are littered with discarded textbooks, disposable barbecues and the pasty (but reddening) flesh of relaxing students.

A lounging biomedical sciences finalist, Kelly Macintosh, approached The Whip to share her views.

‘It’s annoying, but there’s literally nothing I can do. I’ve averaged a 68 for the past two years, but this bank holiday weekend has completely undone those years of grafting.

‘I’ve spent the last month perfecting my revision schedule, but failed to account for the involuntary ten hour sunbathing breaks, so now I’m aiming for a strong 53.’

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