Drug dealers apply for UoB bursary as exam-season sales hit all time low

Trying times.

With exams fast approaching, most UoB students have mustered enough will power to put themselves on a temporary drug ban. However, this has led to detrimental knock-on effects for local drug dealers who make a living out of ‘sorting students out’.

One renowned Bristol dealer, who goes by the name ‘Escobars’ approached The Whip to discuss the recent and sudden decline in demand.

‘The Bristol crowd is a weird one to crack – if you pardon the pun – it’s like they play hard but work even harder!’ he laughed, baring his shiny bottom-teeth grill.

‘Never mind the bloody rizla drought, this is a full-blown drug drought man! And even my crazy name, which combines the word Escobar and xanbars, isn’t enough to pull in trade.’

At his peak, Escobars was receiving up to 50 phone calls a day from students looking to escape reality through one narcotic or another. Now, averaging only five calls, he explained:

‘I’m strapped for cash, and the worst part is, with all these pills sitting on my counter, I’ve resorted to getting high off my own supply!’ He paused to recompose. ‘And I’m not the only one; me and a couple of other dealers have recently set up a support group.’

All is not lost though, as Escobars and others are in the process of applying for UoB bursaries.

‘I just hope I’m eligible!’ he smiled through teary eyes.

He ended the interview by urging students to replace writing lines with snorting lines.

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