Bear Grylls was spotted with his film crew in the ASS library at 8am last Tuesday.
The survival expert was quickly ushered away by a stern librarian, after being caught eating the one of the university’s only copies of Rawls’ A Theory of Justice. According to a witness, Bear was explaining adamantly how there’s more protein in paper and ink than in steak. The Whip caught him on his way out.
‘One of my crew members had got a tip that, if you go in the morning, Bristol’s ASS library is the most hostile environment going these days. Forget Borneo, forget the Kalahari, don’t even mention Greenland, we were told. So, we thought we’d come and check it out.
‘It didn’t disappoint. Just upon walking in, I was confronted by a bedraggled female native, who asserted something about a desperate need for a filter. The aggressor was wearing a pink fluffy jacket and loose-fitting patterned trousers – what is presumably the local tribal dress.
‘When I got inside, there were natives everywhere I looked. I could tell from their body language that they were hostile. I knew I needed to get something get some food, get some shelter, and get a fire going.
‘If there was ever any prey in the ASS, it had already been hunted dry by the natives. I knew I wasn’t going to have an opportunity to find it, catch it, kill it, and that I was going to have to improvise. Surviving is about getting the basics right – when you’re going through hell, keep going.
‘Having navigated past more natives, who were gathering in a pack on the stairs, I got onto the first floor, and noticed that the place was awash with books. Particularly hard back books are actually a really good source of protein, and you don’t need to cook them.
‘Just as I was taking a sip of a bottle of my piss that I’d filled earlier to wash down the paper, I was grabbed by the arm, and told it was time for me to leave. I hadn’t had time to set a trap, and for the first time ever, the hostile environment had got the best of me.’