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‘He’s my library boyfriend!’ says girl about boy who doesn’t know she exists and would hate her if he did

Wake up, sweetheart.

The Whip today reports on one second year geographer who is blissfully unaware that her library crush is entirely and pathetically unrequited: he doesn’t know who she is, and would actively detest her if he did.

Ellie Merrick has been staring intently at Tom Notes on the second floor of the ASS since Easter.

She approached The Whip to express her disappointment that Tom had not returned her cheeky winks, commenting that she feels she’s ‘just been unlucky!’. Our reporters can confirm that she has, in fact, been very lucky, because if Tom had seen her staring he would have probably felt deeply, deeply uncomfortable.

Following this, The Whip contacted Tom to reveal her inappropriate and unwarranted crush. Having expressed mild surprise at her existence, Tom generously listed Ellie’s most obvious flaws:

‘I mean there are a few reasons I’m not interested in her.

‘The first is her ears. They’re quite flappy and make her look a bit like Dumbo the elephant. I’m quite a superficial guy and that’s a real turn off for me.

‘She also seems to spend most of her time trying to catch my attention. It’s just a bit needy, and I think she should be concentrating on her studies more. I’m looking to build my future with a work hard, play hard kind of girl. Maybe a medic or something. And she wears flares. I mean they just look a bit shit, don’t they?’

Unfortunately their romance is unlikely to continue. Ellie’s friends have recently moved to Beacon study centre and she is unable to procrastinate effectively without them.

Tom hasn’t noticed Ellie’s disappearance. If he did notice, he wouldn’t care.

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