Love saves the day, ruins your degree

Few UoB students could have predicted the way that two days of drinking, dancing and substance abuse would result in their grades sinking as low as their serotonin levels.

Dozens of students today approached The Whip to express the crushing realisation that their weekend festivities have, in fact, scuppered their chances of attaining a 2:1 in their degree.

We caught up with Amy Johnson, a third year Engineering student.

‘Sure, I danced to the music of my favourite DJs surrounded by my best friends in a sunny field all day. And, yeah, I spent quality time with the people that have defined the last three years of my life… But I’m telling you now: it categorically was not worth it.

‘I woke up on Monday morning with a splitting headache and hot sweats, blind with panic at the prospect of my exam on Thursday morning.

‘I’ve not been able to concentrate on anything for more than five minutes, and the ringing in my ears has scuppered any chances of productivity.’

With loud music and chemically induced happiness serving as only a temporary distraction from exams, the realisation that a degree might actually require your attention means that students are forced to drag themselves and their self-pity to the library.