Delighted A Level student blissfully unaware of worthlessness of university degree

Today, sixth form graduates across the country received their A Level results, many celebrating grades that will propel them to the utopian pastures of university. However, almost all have failed to recognise that the years ahead will be gruelling, and the degrees they achieve futile.

The Whip caught up with one such student, Tara O’Leary, 18, who is overjoyed that she matched her AAA offer from Bristol University to study Physics.

‘To be honest, I’m just over the moon that I made the grades. That was a metaphor, of course, because being over the moon would mean being 384,400km away from the earth’s outer atmosphere and would take over 9 years of non-stop walking to reach. I got an A in Physics, you see. I just love to learn.’

Our in-house psychologists predict that Tara will never say or think that last phrase again. Tara continued to sprout this dewy-eyed codswallop with alarming vigour:

‘I’m really looking forward to my first week of lectures’, she continued, ‘I just know that if I get into the habit of attending my first few then I’m bound not to miss any at all. I rarely drink excessively so will be able to attend those early ones – even the 9ams!’

Tara’s parents also approached The Whip to express their pride. Tara is the first member of her family to be accepted to university, and her parents are thrilled that she’ll be the first one of the O’Leary clan to be in £50,000 worth of debt before 22.

Tara’s euphoric naïvety is indeed heartwarming; she is like a freshly birthed calf skittering around a field, unaware that tomorrow she’ll be carted off to the abattoir to be made into veal. The Whip wishes you the best of luck, Tara.