Naughty pub can’t wait to be rammed full of students from all entrances
The start to a new academic year at the University of Bristol will see the city once again play host to tens of thousands of thirsty undergraduates. However, this scholarly thirst for knowledge (as well as beer) pales in comparison to the rampant sexual appetite of one outspoken public house.
The sexually adventurous and alarmingly welcoming pub, The Brass Pig, today announced its excitement at being “utterly rammed from all entrances” during freshers’ week.
“I just cannot wait to be filled to the very limit” the pub informed The Whip in an exclusive interview.
“Nothing turns me on quite like a tirade of clueless students, all squawking about gap years and nose rings, relentlessly stuffing themselves into me.”
Unfortunately, the Grade II listed building’s unusual level of arousal through multiple simultaneous entrants has angered several of the neighbouring buildings. A disgusted terraced house opposite the pub came forward with a statement:
“It’s just inappropriate quite frankly. I don’t mind what folk get up to in their own time but going around yelling about wanting to be ‘dangerously over capacity’ is crass and obnoxious. What am I supposed to say to my kids? My conservatory is only 2 years old. She’s not nearly mature enough to be hearing this kind of filth.”
- 1North London fresher’s attempt to start anew ruined as entire sixth form moves to Bristol
- 2Third year revises so hard that ‘chilled study beats’ becomes actual music taste
- 3Fresher dismayed to find cacti, scratch map and wall hanging not actually substitute for personality
- 4Breaking: Theresa May starts filling out extenuating circumstances form
- 5Oak House students seeking prison sentences in bid for more homely accommodation