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Ancestry.com ‘very interested’ in viewing hall’s crusty, DNA-soaked mattress

What a find!

As term begins in Bristol, the arrival of a fresh cohort of virile young freshers has aroused the attention of popular heritage tracing website ancestry.com. According to an official spokesperson, the University of Bristol’s accommodation office has been inundated with requests from the online organisation to access a mattress from their Badock residency.

After permission was granted, a representative of ancestry.com was available to speak to The Whip whilst visiting Stoke Bishop. ‘’This is a historic moment’’ she said. ‘’There’s so much untapped potential in this bed. And SO much DNA.’’

She continued ‘’because the mattresses are never washed, we estimate that we will have decades worth of samples, maybe even dating back to the last time it was cool to wear flares. I can’t believe we never thought of coming here before for this kind of thing!’’

The internet page is in the process of securing a section of the mattress to be taken away for analysis. One researcher remarked ‘’we’d love to get it back to our labs. Depending on just how soaked it is, we might be able to just snap a corner off’’.

The next stage will involve using state-of-the-art DNA quantitative analysis techniques, or ‘cum-ometers’, to gather genetic information for their records. The company has predicted that their overall pool of data could increase as much as 5 per cent once the Bristol samples are added.

There is hope this investigation will contribute to a larger, long-term project to finally confirm the extent to which generations of inbreeding amongst Britain’s upper classes has affected the genetics of students in Wills Hall.

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