A new study conducted by the Office for National Statistics has found that putting away ten units of alcohol a night in the company of those you have nothing in common with is unquestionably the best path into the adult world.
This report has huge implications for the student community. The findings destroy the generally accepted notion that a regime of studying, extra-curricular activities and regular exercise is the most efficient route to a fulfilling and successful adulthood.
The study also claims that putting yourself £30,000 in debt, relying on the fortune of your parents, and acquiring a urinary tract infection are all contributing factors towards a healthier and happier you.
In the smoking area of Church nightclub, two inebriated strangers, Jack, from the ‘mid-midlands’ and Mike, from ‘basically London’, had this to say about the recent scientific development:
“You see, the thing is about being an adult is that you have to, just, you know, you know?” Mike supported this insightful statement with frequent and passionate interjections of “yes mate!” and “so true!”
The two then proceeded to agree with whatever the other said for a short period of time, before committing to live together next year.
We also got in contact with Amelia, a recent graduate from the University of Leeds for her take on the study.
“This news couldn’t have come at a worse time for me ” she admitted, “and I’ve had to have a real re-think.” Since hearing the results Amelia has been forced to change her lifestyle drastically: she’s burnt her First class degree in Biochemistry, split up from her boyfriends of five years and has turned down her 25k starting salary job.
“I thought I was doing things right – but it’s time to get my life back on track. I’ve re-enrolled to Leeds starting next year, applied for halls and started selling homemade bongs – I couldn’t be happier.”