12 ways to assert your dominance if somebody in your halls shares your name

An easy step by step guide to becoming the alpha.

1. Label all of their food in the fridge

Nobody likes the person who labels all their food, make sure all your flatmates think it’s them. Nobody will believe their denials.

2. Start referring to yourself in the 3rd person

If it was good enough for Caeser, it’s good enough for you. Plus, by hearing the name around you more than your rival, people will subconsciously associate the name with you.

3. Start calling them by their middle name

It’s just a practical way of distinguishing between the two of you.

4. Do everybody’s washing up except theirs all the time, blame them for being the messiest person

It will turn your hall mates against them sooner than you can say your shared name! Don’t worry about others owning up to not doing their share; that has literally never happened. A bonus of this tip is that you now also have a (mostly) clean kitchen!

5. Stuff their keyhole with blu-tac

Now they look like a fool for not being able to get into their room! Who is the superior [your name]? Clearly not the one who can’t even get into their own room! (If you have key card locks, a similar effect can be achieved with a reasonably powerful electromagnet).

6. Change your full name by deed poll to ‘[your name] V2’

Everybody knows the sequel is always better in every way, now you are a better version of your rival. Congratulations!

7. Install Windows 95 on their Mac

N.B. This will also work on a PC, but it will be less assertive.

8. When you’re eating, growl when they are near to start subconsciously programming them into seeing you as the alpha

If it works for wolves in a pack, it’ll work for you. As a bonus, it will always keep your throat warm and lubricated should the need for some of-the-cuff operatic singing occur.

9. Challenge them to an operatic sing off

Not only will they not be expecting it, but you’ll also have warmed up beforehand, so you’ll have better range.

10. Write an epoch defining, best-selling series of children’s novels in which somebody with their name is a dick

This is actually how many popular authors got their start. Draco Malfoy was originally a flatmate who never did the dishes.

11. Call their eldest living relative, then quickly hang up as you realize that this has all gone too far

Involving people’s families is actually not very cool if you’re being honest with yourself.

12. Piss in their margarine

That’s more your level.

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