New Alton Towers rollercoaster to be modelled on student’s third year experience

Dizzying highs! Devastating lows!

A spokesperson for Alton Towers theme park has revealed that its next rollercoaster will be closely based on the dizzying highs and stunning lows of a UoB undergrad’s third year. Speaking to The Whip this morning, they suggested that new attraction could be their “scariest one yet” with “some of the gnarliest descents into the deepest pits of terror ever seen at Alton”. “We always look for inspiration for our attractions in the real world,” designer Mary Winterburn explained, “and you can’t just dive right in and build a rollercoaster from scratch, you’ve got to have some kind of inspiration.” She continued, “For me anyway, I need at least a vague concept of severe shock and trauma to recreate in mechanical, track-and-carriage-based form. Where better to turn to than the UK’s most stressed out demographic?” All that needs to completed now are several rigorous safety tests before the ride is open to the public. “Although safety is paramount, the ride would not be realistic unless it induced shaking, severe vomiting and the feeling everyone apart from you has a grad scheme for after university” Ms. Winterburn admitted, “which is we have paid actors every few rows who talk loudly about how their applications for assessment centres are going surprisingly well.” Although details of the attraction remain vague, rumours suggest thrill seekers will ‘not know what has hit them’ and that the public are guaranteed to find the ride ‘a lot more work than any other coaster they’ve been on’. Workers have allegedly been instructed to ‘give as little help as possible’ to those on the ride – even if they email during asking for it to stop. Alton Tower is also looking to bring out rides inspired by the lives and times of first year students with no height restrictions, structural integrity or safety features.

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