A large area of north Bristol plunged into a state of financial ruin this week as popular student lunch spot The White Rabbit decided to call time on its much loved two for one pizza deal. The general manager, who wished to remain anonymous, released a statement in the early hours of Monday morning simply reading ‘it’s gone. All the dough is gone. There is no more’.
Many believe the public line about pizza base problems. However, sources close to the pub have suggested that the actual reason the deal has been cancelled is that the secondary oven (used to cook the deal’s second pizza) felt like he could never reach his true potential in the organisation whilst his co-appliance still ran the show. On Monday, it departed on both personal and mechanical grounds.
Unfortunately, this abrupt cessation of tenure inadvertently crashed the CSE (Clifton Stock Exchange) with movements and transfers of monetary significance slowing by 15% overnight, sending shock waves through companies in the region. To make matters worse, exports are already down by a quarter when compared with last month, localised inflation is at 8.8%, internal interest rates have sky rocketed and nonsensical financial jargon in sentences has almost tripled.
Business owners who rely on students for their income are not the only group worried by the economic developments of the last seven days. Families with young children, the elderly and drug dealers are also predicted to be drastically effected. The Whip caught up with someone who was all three to see what they made of news.
“I literally rely on students to make a living – they buy the most drugs. How am I going to provide for my two babies if they’ve spent all their extra dosh on a full price fucking pizza?” He continued “back when I was a young man, we’d have ran our business into the ground to avoid a semi-significant financial crisis. That’s the spirit that won us the war.”
The only good news is that, as everyone knows, financial crashes are really easy to recover from. It should be pretty easy to get back to normal.
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