WHO declares red alert for freshers flu pandemic

Alarming figures published by Bristol City Council today
have forced the World Health Organisation to change the outbreak status of the dangerous
pathogen ‘freshers flu’ from ‘epidemic’ to ‘pandemic’. A heavy week of late
nights, poor diets and terrible decisions has taken a heavy toll on the collective
immune system of thousands of students, forcing the UN agency to declare a
state of emergency.

Victim’s symptoms can include staggering around in a ‘zombie
like state’, frothing at the mouth and bizarre expressions of fear and pain.
The University of Bristol’s Badock residency is one of the worst affected halls
in the UK, with an estimated 97% infection rate.

Miraculously, Durdham hall remains largely unaffected, and
has been placed under quarantine. Reports suggest residents are yet to notice. “This
is good news, but it is the only location in any major British city that is yet
to see at least one case” WHO Director-General Sedros Radhanom said. “The problem
is widespread”.

However, research conducted by CUNTED (Central United
Nations Team for Ending Disease) suggests the flu figures may be overinflated,
with false positives reported by reminiscent third years claiming to have
contracted the virus despite having not attended a single night out.

The Whip would like to remind senior residents that biohazard suits are now available for hire from the SU if they choose to remain in their flats over this difficult period.