Student gouges out own eyes out to avoid awkward eye contact on Woodland Road

Students were left horrified yesterday after a final year Historian scooped out his own eyeballs in order to avoid optical contact with a failed romantic interest on Woodland Road. Onlookers watched in shock as the unflinching undergraduate completed the retina self-removal using nothing but a Civil Service pen from the careers fair.

A spokesperson from UoB reflected on the incident: “tensions
are high on campus. The last place you want to catch someone’s eyes is Woodland
Road. Well, shortly after traffic lights and urinals. They’re my top three.”

She continued “crippling small talk and steamy sex eyes are
rife around the university. In certain places, such as seminars and the queue
for Parson’s Bakery, it can reach almost unbearable levels. The whole
university community is devastated this student fell victim to such sultry

Whilst third year History undergraduate Bradley Downs is
currently recovering, he gave a few comments on the incident:

“I know eye gouging is usually the reserve of rugby boys but
it was a last resort. It’s like they say – out of sight, out of mind. Do I want
to see my Lola’s pull from last week on the way to a lecture? Hell no!”

The university has been forced to deploy a crack team of onsite optometrists to ensure this type of incident does not repeat itself. They will scour the main university roads with large buckets, in the hope of catching any sensory organs cleaved from student’s faces to avoid embarrassing interactions.