Philosophy student decides only real thing in universe is lack of job prospects

A Philosophy undergraduate who has spent several years deconstructing fundamental problems intrinsic to the human condition has come to the frankly startling conclusion that nothing actually exists besides unemployment after graduation.

The discovery comes as a shock to Bristol students of all shapes and subjects, and could have serious ramifications for the future of degrees, the university and Hugh Brady’s pension. The Whip travelled to the home of third year Felix Bryan to try and understand the thought process that lead him to his conclusion.

Stubbing out his cigarette on a pile of unused internship
applications, Mr Bryan revealed to us the moment that this revelation hit him.

“‘This all came to me when I was stood in the queue for Lakota, pondering the content of that day’s lecture” he explained. “In between a bald man in wavy shades offering me some pills and a fresher projectile vomiting onto my shoes, it suddenly hit me.”

He continued “for something to be real you have to be certain it is real. It’s simple Cartesian Logic. I realised I could doubt the metaphysical status of most objects in the universe – even my own mind. But there is no greater certainty than the fact I will be jobless and alone after I finish university. So I’ve just given up. there’s no point even trying. There’s no future.”

The Whip has reached out to the Mr. Bryan to see if he can answer some of life’s other pressing questions, such as determining whether the material relationship between The Brass Pig and Mbargo is necessary or merely contingent.