‘The Noise Pages’ takes matters into their own hands, burns down High Kingsdown

“It was the only way to get things done”

Last night a fire broke out by Bristol University, starting by the ASS library, and then progressing through the entirety of High Kingsdown. This morning, the syndicate anti-student-party group ‘The Noise Pages’ have claimed responsibility for the act of arson, saying that it was done “to send a message.”

Fortunately, no one was harmed in the blaze, but the entire section of Bristol has been decimated, leaving behind nothing but rubble and insensitively loud sound systems. ‘The Noise Pages’ revealed in a press statement this morning that this act was committed so the student body would finally be quiet.

“It was the only way to get things done”, a spokesman told The Whip. “See how they like it, huh? That feeling of having your home set on fire, yeah? Well imagine if that home was your eardrums, and that fire was a really noisy gathering, but then, as well as that, it’s also still a fire because people are smoking and it’s incredibly inconvenient. Well that’s how it is for us every weekend.

“No, we do not think that this was an overreaction in the slightest. Neither the students, nor the University, were taking any note of our well organised and user friendly website.

“Look, this wasn’t an easy decision to make: we didn’t just burn down student properties; we burned down the entirety of High Kingsdown. We’ve burned down our own homes too, the same as everyone else, we’ve made sacrifices here.”

Allegedly the group knew that no one would be in their homes, as the entire student body were at a party in Cotham, and the jurisdiction of ‘The Noise Pages’ does not extend to there. As for how this group will be sentenced, or what will become of the embers of High Kingsdown, this remains to be seen.

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