Yesterday, in an act of organised chaos, vegans from all parts of Bristol joined together in protest to commit a massacre. The streets ran green after, en masse, avocados were smashed up, spread onto crusty sourdough bread, and eaten.
It is believed that this attack was coordinated following recent news that the avocado industry may be severely damaging to South American economies and therefore immoral. Subsequently, at 11 o’clock PBH (Prime Brunch Hour) yesterday, the Bristol air hung putrid with the stench of light seasoning, browning toast, and moral superiority.
Swarms of angry vegans descended on Stokes Croft, pillaging greengrocers and quaint cafés like the locusts of Ancient Egypt in the Old Testament. Every avocado was gutted, smashed, spread onto toast and gorged upon within minutes.
The mob, accompanied by screams of “Let me do a Boomerang” and, “Do you take Apple pay?” left a trail of crumby crockery and forgotten keep-cups in their wake. Amid the mad frenzy, The Whip spoke to a seemingly rabid member of the attack, named Amelia.
“Well, I got avo on toast with a poached egg and some chilli flakes sprinkled on top, which was yummy! And Suzie over there, say ‘hi’ Suzie”, “Hi” said Suzie, and Amelia continued, “Well she got the same, but we are both absolutely crazy about smashed avo! I mean, who isn’t?”
It is safe to say, therefore, that not only was this ‘Amelia’ insane, but she also had evidently tried to indoctrinate The Whip into the mob. It is after this close call that we would like to advise our readers to stay safe, and to avoid any brunch-foods at all costs.