Puny weakling asks to turn heating on

In a week that has seen Bristol experience its first mildly nippy weather of the year, a shivering, sheepish student has requested that the heating be turned on in the coming weeks. Such a bold comment made so early in the academic year was unsurprisingly met with an uproar of protests from his housemates.

The unacceptably chilly Peter Rhings, 19, now known as ‘the parka wearing prick’, was the propositioning party in the heated standoff. The undergraduate insisted that it is too cold to live in his four-bedroom Redland residency without heating.

The Whip visited the surprisingly tepid property for an interview
with Peter.

“Heating has always been important to me ever since I was little. I have a real passion for this issue and I don’t think enough people are talking about it” he explained. “I knew I was going to be met with negativity and opposing opinions for bringing it up this early, but I never thought it was going to be this bad.”

The second year continued “coming from halls, I just assumed we’d have the heating on full all year round. I enjoyed living in my tropical haven in the middle of Stoke Bishop.”

On the way out, our reporter bumped into one of the opponents of the heating proposal, Sarah Jenkins, 20. She agreed to comment on behalf of her party ‘The Frostbite Fanatics’.

“I really don’t understand the need for heating. I can’t believe I chose to live with such temperature sensitive whimps. Just wear a jumper, or two, or even three. I don’t care if it turns into a 100-t-shirt challenge, just don’t turn that thermostat.”

“To be perfectly honest, it’s frostbite that gets me up in the morning.”