1. Ask, “Wait, you haven’t found a house yet?!”
Make them think they’ll have to put an ad on Clifton & Stoke Bishop Tickets and end up living next door to the guy from The Noise Pages with a computer scientist, a horse girl, a psychopath and a Scandinavian Erasmus student who stinks the fridge out with fermented fish.
2. Tell them that the multi-faith chaplaincy is a ‘haunted’ multi-faith chaplaincy
Explain that all recognised religions have a ghostly representative ready for a holy spooking! As an added bonus, you can charge them £5 for guided tours.
3. Carve a pumpkin to resemble the face of Hugh Brady
Make sure to really try and reflect his sad, miserable demeanour. If you can find a pumpkin that really doesn’t care about student welfare, then you’ll get the full effect.
4. Tell them that formative essays do count towards your grade
If they doubt it, try explaining, “It’s FORM-ative because it FORMS part of your essay…” – if they doubt you, explain that they wouldn’t know because they’ve not been here that long. You have.
5. Put stuffed roadkill in their freezer
To make it extra spooky, why not try and find some flattened Halloween-themed critters, such as bats?
6. Discreetly rearrange the fence barriers outside Gravity in order to redirect the queue to Lizard Lounge
They’ll see things…terrible, terrible things…
7. Trick-or-treat every flat in Stoke Bishop dressed as £9,250 worth of debt
If you want to scare a Fresher, reminding them of the financial black hole that imminently awaits them is a sure fire way to success. For added accuracy, every time they look away, you have to get bigger.
8. Tell them that the U1 was only a temporary replacement bus service, and that they now need to get a train to Temple Meads in order to reach their lectures
If they look confused, inform them that Temple Meads is near Bath, just north of Gloucester and south of Plymouth, the same place the UoB campus is located.
9. Stand on the end of Woodland Road dressed as the grim reaper
Accompany this with making a gravestone with their name on and planting it on the grass outside Senate House. If it’s too dark, a burning effigy will do.
10. Log into MyBristol and change their entire timetable to different rooms.
Granted, on the one hand, it’s a bit complicated. But on the other hand, you’ll feel like a super cool hacker like the ones on the news. Mutter ‘I’m into the mainframe’ every five seconds for maximum enjoyment.