A student has simultaneously lost the will to live and come to the conclusion that there cannot be a god after his fourth week of only remembering that he needs to buy shampoo whilst in the shower.
Tom Waitson, a first year Biology student, is believed to be one of thousands of students who are so dysfunctional that a simple change in their immediate surroundings, such as leaving the bathroom, can trigger a complete deletion of information stored in the part of the brain that controls forward planning. We caught up with the forgetful fresher to find out more.
“It’s the same thing every single bloody morning. I’m stuck in a loop,” he explained. “I get in the shower, pick up the finished shampoo bottle I already know is empty, shout ‘fuck’ quite loudly, and then wash my hair with water. Absolute nightmare.”
He continued, “it’s a good thing crying in the shower has been popularised by films as a normal coping mechanism for stressful situations or I’d be considered even more unhinged by this point.”
To make matters worse, since the last time Mr. Waitson washed his hair he has been the victim of several traumatic cases of erroneous identity attribution.
One of the most harrowing stories the greasy undergrad was willing to share with us included being mistaken for the front man of a local punk rock band. The first year says he will ‘always struggle with crowds now’ after being forced to play an acoustic cover of Nirvana’s ‘Come As You Are’ to over one hundred screaming teenagers despite having no musical experience and very little knowledge of 90s grunge music.
Other cognitive recall issues that have plagued Tom this month have included only remembering he needs toothpaste when he’s brushing his teeth, only remembering he needs toilet roll whilst in the middle of a shit, and only remembering he needs an eight foot statue of the Norse God Thor when he’s leading a sacrificial ceremony.
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