Jada Noble, a second year student entirely submerged in the ground floor bedroom of her Redland house, has reluctantly been given a dehumidifier by her Landlord to combat her issues. This result comes as a bittersweet victory for the undergraduate who has been struggling to get the wayward property manager to take her complaints seriously for several months now.
The Landlord in question, who refused an interview, released a statement on Tuesday to clarify the extent to which neglecting insufferable damp and water damage had weighed on his conscience:
“It’s nothing I haven’t seen before. Look, if a bit of damp is such a bloody problem she can buy herself some wellington boots! This insistence on ‘compensation’ and ‘exploitation’ is just classic vulnerable-student mumbo-jumbo that I really haven’t got the time for.”
Interestingly however, rumours have been circulating that Miss Noble has now started housing marine life in her bedroom-come-tank and charges admission for fellow students to watch feeding displays. The Whip got in touch to find out more.
“Yeah, it’s true” the student explained. “I figured since so many of my irreplaceable possessions have been destroyed by rising damp and my Landlord has done fuck all to stop it, I would make some of my money back.”
She continued “I put on a shark show every Wednesday at 5pm. I just have a shoal of nurse sharks at the moment but if things continue as they are I should be able to house stingrays soon. Fingers crossed!”
Miss Noble revealed that she has been in touch with Keira Bronson from the SEALIFE team at London Aquarium to ensure it is safe for herself and fellow students to swim with the predators. We have been told that the only practical issue Miss Noble faces is the cold weather, with stingrays favouring more temperate waters, and that her damp room is otherwise a perfectly hospitable environment.
When asked if the dehumidifier would be of any benefit whatsoever to her problem she remarked “I mean at this stage, no. The dehumidifier will do nothing and will probably interrupt the thermometer readings in the tank.”
“Of course, the moral thing for my Landlord to do would be to send in an emergency specialist builder to find and repair the cause of this rapidly increasing water problem. But instead he decided to dump the dehumidifier on the doorstep and never actually came in to view the damage. But that’s just Brian for you!”