Phew! Event’s ‘secret location’ revealed to be in convenient place with excellent transport links

How lucky!

A popular, student-run techno night delighted revellers this week by revealing the immensely accessible location of its latest event.

Although the Clifton and Stoke Bishop ticket sales market fluctuated with uncertainty prior to the location announcement, prices sky-rocketed as the jamboree was revealed to be at the absolute epicentre of student life, equidistant from every student house and halls of residence.

Undergraduates everywhere are relieved at the striking convenience of the building chosen. It has been hailed as a ‘landmark moment’ and an ‘unprecedented phenomenon’ for a student-hosted event to have achieved such remarkable levels of satisfaction in party-goers. We sent a reporter to the recently un-shushed shindig to investigate.

“This techno night has really pulled it out of the bag!” one astute observer remarked. “I was really nervous beforehand that they’d reveal the secret location to be somewhere halfway across the country. I had Ryanair open on one tab and Megabus on the other.” He smiled “they’ve really done us a solid hosting the event in the city where everyone who bought a ticket lives.”

Owner of the night, third year trendsetter and all-round techno party-starter, Fred Albright-Downs, gave his comments to The Whip:

“Lakota? Been there done that. Motion? Got the t-shirt mate. A forest in the middle of nowhere? We can’t afford those fucking coaches! Call us predictable, but we thought it would be a good idea to make sure the secret location for our vibey, raucous, drug-fuelled blowout was not three hours away and dangerous to get to.”

He continued “with a maximum Uber cost of £6, takeaway within crawling distance and drug dealers prowling the area it meant we’d struck gold. It’s an unmissable tech-house hootenanny, so stay tuned for the next one!”

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