In the last month the Bristol drugs market has been flooded with a new distinctive product – MDMA pills marked with an aristocratic coat of arms.
A quick cross-reference of Bristol students and baronies led The Whip to a smoky unit ten bedroom in Stoke Bishop’s Badock residency. Interviewed under a condition of strict anonymity, the pill-peddler agreed to answer a few questions about his masterful creation.
“It’s all about using what you’ve got in this game. In my case that’s a shedload of money and an ancient crest steeped in history” he explained. “All I had to do was put my signet ring in the press and there you have it – a brand.”
Despite the homage paid to his ancestral roots, the balaclava-clad undergrad is no soft touch – for him this game is about money and survival, not family and nostalgia: “I don’t really know what the crest represents, but it’s got swords and shit on it. Whatever it is, it looks fucking boss on a pill, makes me look well hard as well. I am hard” the fresher remarked confidently. “If anyone wants to get in on my turf I’m not afraid to un-sheath. En garde motherfuckers.”
But what does his family think about their treasured insignia being co-opted by their youngest son? We rang the first year’s older brother for comment:
“Yep, we’re worried about Bertie*” he revealed. “I haven’t told Mum and Dad yet because I only found out myself a couple weeks ago. I was in for a fucking shock when I looked down at my in-rave stash and saw my own heraldic crest staring back up at me. Really introspective moment actually. I wondered what Grandad would say.”
“Probably that MDMA is a drug for gays and toddlers. What a delightful insight that would have been to hear. God rest his soul.”
*All names have been changed to equally posh ones to preserve anonymity.