Student fakes own death to get out of housing agreement made in freshers week
With five weeks until the end of semester, the question on every fresher’ lips is who they’ll be living with next year. Many students, however, find themselves regretting residential promises made too soon.
This was the case for one student, who took drastic measures to get out of a housing agreement made with her flatmates in the first week of term. The first year, now known as Bella Brick, deemed it necessary to fake her own death and claim a new identity in order to avoid a fate of house dinners and pre drinks with girls she had literally nothing in common with.
The desperate – and cunning – first year staged a convincing scene of electrocution, involving a toaster, a six pack of Warburton crumpets, and a team of Yorkshire’s finest actors sourced from Gumtree.
We caught up with Bella earlier today who disclosed further details.
“I know people tell you not to rush into housing agreements but they all seemed really genuine,” declared Bella, explaining her poor judgement call.
“I started having doubts when I noticed that both my prospective housemates had Voodoo Events lanyards. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, one of them made me a slice of toast using Utterly Butterly. Fucking heathens.
“After that there was clearly only one option: death by crumpet. Faking my death was the easy bit; it was the starting over again, and avoiding the gruesome twosome that’s been the difficult part,” stated Bella.
“But it’s been plain sailing moving to Headingly. No one will ever find me here”.
- 1Greta delivers earth-shattering Motion techno set during Bristol visit
- 2Third year revises so hard that ‘chilled study beats’ becomes actual music taste
- 3North London fresher’s attempt to start anew ruined as entire sixth form moves to Bristol
- 4Fresher dismayed to find cacti, scratch map and wall hanging not actually substitute for personality
- 5Breaking: Theresa May starts filling out extenuating circumstances form