‘Thank fuck for that’: exhausted dog relieved to see end of reading week love-athon

An exhausted Kent-based canine was granted sweet release this week after its owner returned to Bristol for the recommencing of lectures. Bruno, Chocolate Labrador, reported to have been ‘petted within an inch of his life’ over the course of the last seven days resulting in both a matted coat and a new found animosity to tactility.

The ‘Council for the National Organisation of Dogs’ told The Whip that hounds all over the country have been feeling completely ‘maxed out’ by their owner’s needs on return from university. The Council have advised members of the pooch population still dealing with this very specific problem to ‘grin and bear it’ and ‘always remember that YOU are the good boy.’

We caught up with Bruno yesterday to gather some information about his personal experience:

“I know we’re supposed to be man’s best friend and everything, but I don’t see you doing that to your mates down the pub do I’ the mutt remarked angrily. “I’m all for a bit of love and affection, but forcing me to sit on your lap for three hours and ferociously stroking the top of my head until it feels like you’ve eroded half my skull? Not my scene”.

He continued “My hair is all over the damn sofa and it’s all your fault. Now you’ve fucked off back to uni and I have to deal with the fall out. I’ve been banned from all the comfortable furniture thanks to you. I’m not even a malting breed!”

However, it wasn’t just his owner’s heavy hands that made Bruno’s blood boil. “I’ve sat on your bed and listened to you vent about how many essays you have to do. Cry me a river” he scoffed. “Do you know how many holes I have to dig today? And how many bones I have to bury in them? You know nothing of actual responsibility.”

The University of Bristol has urged any students who are ‘missing their dog so much omg’ to refrain from a return home inside the next fortnight to provide adequate rehabilitation time for the canines in question.