The University of Plymouth today unveiled plans to host an event rivalling Exeter’s SSB: the Safer Masturbation Ball. The Whip has learnt that the night, which is clearly a valiant attempt to rival the sweaty hedonism of SSB, sold out instantly and is the most highly anticipated event in Plymouth’s social calendar.
According to insider sources, the theme of the night will be ‘Cirque de Solo’. One alternative idea was reportedly Noah’s Arc, but the requirement of coming in ‘two by two’ was deemed of an “unrealistically high standard” and “contradictory to the Plymouth University experience” by the SU.
A photographer from The Sun will be present to take images of auto-erotic attendees for page three, as well as a worryingly-named ‘Jerk Circle’. Once described as a revolutionary silent disco for liquid funk lovers but, the attraction in fact comprises a foreboding, partitioned section at the back of the Main Hall.
Initial interest in the event was misplaced, with many thinking Plymouth were offering some sort of self-stimulation aid. Will Andrews, a spokesperson for the University of Plymouth, released a statement that the Safer Masturbation Ball was in no way a spherical product designed for actual personal pleasure.