Theresa May spotted looking for new cabinet members on Clifton and Stoke Bishop Tickets

May gave a balanced appraisal of the gang in a copy-pasted message to all who enquired.

The prime minister has been forced to search for new staff online after this morning’s resignations. It is a move the government are not likely to have taken lightly, although the post has since gained traction on the Facebook page. Attempting to appear fun – but not in a tiring way that might deter introverted types – May gave a balanced appraisal of her current cabinet in a post that read:

We’re a really friendly bunch who love going out for photo-ops and diplomacy talks as well as staying in for nights of formulating policy soundbites. We’ll take anyone at the mo’ just to make up the numbers, so let me know! Cheers!

“I also added some jokey photos to the post to help hammer home our good vibes credentials,” May later explained to The Whip directly. “So instead of just including photos of the cabinet’s and DExEU’s offices, I got some of the guys to do funny poses to show off how classic we are to these undergrads.” “Like Hammondy did this thing he calls the Backstop Plank. It’s classic, he just lies facedown on the floor in the office pretending to be a soft Northern Irish border. “He insists everyone else walk over him and exchange goods and services as if he wasn’t there. We wanted to make sure to appeal to students but also be realistic, so Govey and Andrea Leadsom are swapping a variety of things over his flat, motionless body. “Like Mike is pictured handing Andrea some government-backed energy bonds and Domino’s vouchers, whilst she’s swapping back a North Sea fracking contract along with three nos balloons. All bases covered!” The post has received a mixed response. Some students are interested in what looks, on the surface, something like a job. Sadly, most plan to avoid the PM’s offer because, in the words of one second year, “the position is higher risk than the pull-out method after a few jars of juice, and lower reward than being repeatedly punched in the throat by a smorgasbord of heavyweight boxers. Fuck that.”

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