Student hits snooze, misses daylight

Not again.

A student at the University of Manchester has reportedly not seen daylight for a full seven weeks after it was rumoured she hit snooze at 4:30 pm once again and completely missed daylight for the 42nd day in a row. The undergraduate in question, Jemima Clutterbuck, is known by acquaintances as a relatively pleasant wreck-head from Manchester’s Unsworth Park hall. Jemima is evidence of the tangible dangers that come with both the desire to get absolutely black out drunk six days a week and renting an exceedingly comfortable room. Over the past two months the first year has increasingly received an insidious influx of friends ‘round for afters’, giving her no choice but to set an optimistic late afternoon alarm that will definitely be ignored. However, the joy of consecutive ventures to mediocre disco nights and the novelty of tweeting ‘just woke up’ with the ‘18:13’ time icon on Snapchat have now worn off. Jemima has grown accustomed to late nights to such an extent that she now resides permanently and exclusively in her bedroom, unable to face the piercing sunlight that shrouds the mornings and afternoons she rarely sees. Residents of the student’s halls have reported that Jemima bought new military-standard blackout curtains last week and duct taped them furiously to her windows. Her flatmates say that she is most likely to be spotted in a dressing gown and slippers, eyes drooping as she trudges to the kitchen to prepare her midnight brunch. One concerned friend claimed she had been out of sunlight for such an extended period of time that she could barely remember anything she’s done, due to doing all her daily tasks in complete darkness. The Whip got in contact with one of Jemima’s housemates who said, “Jemima used to be my favourite person to go out with, but now she is irritable unless she’s in the dark. I even have to turn off the hallway light before I open her door. I recently tried to open her window, but she started to shout that she ‘suffers from light sensitivity’ and that my behaviour was ‘inappropriate and offensive’.” Our sources revealed that several of the fresher’s closest pals recently staged an intervention, kindly offering to treat her to a holiday in Crete so she could relearn the value of daylight. Jemima apparently refused the offer, stating that she’s ‘going to Dropout Disco whenever that is anyway’ and she ‘won’t be back until late that night, sorry.’

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