‘Am I still wet or am I just cold?’ ponders conflicted pair of jeans on drying rack

The classic denim dilemma.

For many fabrics assembled into shapes suitable for human wearing, a drying rack is the sign of a fresh start. For some however, it can be a cruel and crisis-ridden time. After three long days spent dangling hopelessly in a drafty corridor this week, one desperately confused pair of jeans has come no closer to working out whether he is still wet, or is in fact just cold. Our sources have revealed that the fashionable cut of black denim was initially “having a great time” hanging out on Wilko’s finest clothes horse. Unfortunately though, as the days passed the paranoia surrounding his moisture-based existential crisis reached unmanageable levels. The search for real answers lead the somewhat-sodden pair of slacks to The Whip. “Why do I have to be so thick and long? I’m so awkward at drying. I’ve just never been good at it,” the languid legwear confessed. “You’d think I would know by now if I was wet or just cold, but I still can’t feel the difference” it explained. “Drying in this cramped hallway makes matter worse, I hardly get any air and there is no heat anywhere. “Don’t get me wrong, I love hanging out with the drying rack but my comfortable spot in the chest of draws is my happy place and I can’t be there if I think I’m still wet. If I get put in there too early then I’ll smell and then no one will want to wear me. “Humans feel me too and don’t know what to think. They feel the belt hooks, then the bit of the leg they didn’t remember to roll down properly, and then just stand there like they’ve been asked the most difficult question they’ve ever been asked,” he continued, “it’s no help at all. This whole situation means I am simultaneously distressed and distressed denim. I can’t take another identity crisis right now.”

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