Arts students relieved to realise they’ll never earn enough money to pay off their student loans


There were scenes of mass jubilation on Woodland Road this morning, after reports confirmed that students studying subjects such as Drama, Liberal Arts and English are unlikely to ever earn more than £21,000.

For many thespian undergraduates, the news that they’d probably never move out of their parents’ house let alone own their home came as a huge relief, as they realised they’d never have to start paying back that pesky student loan.

The Whip caught up with Theatre Studies undergraduate Vanessa Moonlight, who agreed to give an exclusive interview, despite her demanding academic schedule of shagging her castmates.

“When I realised that I would never be able to hold down a steady job I was just so relieved,” she commented. “It’s so good knowing that my degree choice will pay off and I will scrape by on minimum wage forever!

“My brother’s older than I am, working in the City on a 6 figure salary. Ha! Jokes on him – he had to start paying his off straight away. I’ll take my loan as free money, thank you very much.”

Despite the celebrations on Woodland road (the typically abandoned arts complex was buzzing with life) the BioMed building played host to hundreds of despondent students this morning.

Those studying medicine, law and engineering are reportedly furious that their employability and genuinely useful skills may cause them financial ruin. The Whip has also been informed that many mechanical engineering students have abandoned their lectures in favour for improv classes.

Following these recent developments the University of Bristol has promised to do everything it can to re-dress the balance, reassuring students that sciences are important subjects, too.

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