Student feeling mighty productive after ticking off ‘wake up’ and ‘have shower’ from to-do list

A second year student at the University of Bristol has at last convinced themselves that they are a successful and motivated member of society by adding several routine and essentially unavoidable tasks to their daily to-do list. Charlotte Seymour, aged 19, was reportedly spotted sleepily ticking off ‘wake up’ late on Monday afternoon. She then moved onto tasks of significantly more substance such as ‘have shower’ before strolling to the library to score off some more.

After several of our sources confirmed that the Redland based English student is particularly well-versed in the art of being fundamentally dishonest with oneself through the medium of day to day lists, The Whip caught up with her to find out more.

“If 25% of the things I need to do today can be done from my bedroom and bathroom, then the world’s my oyster” the undergraduate explained smugly.

“‘writing an entire essay’ in practise might take longer than ‘brush teeth’, but they both equally occupy just one bullet point on the to-do list.” She continued “in terms of productivity therefore, completing one is as useful and fulfilling as completing the other.”

Ms. Seymour is thought to not be alone in her quest to accomplish what people that massively overuse the word ‘pseudo’ are calling ‘pseudo-endeavours’. Hundreds of students are reportedly unable to create to-do lists without at least one item that is almost impossible to not complete. The head of Bristol’s department of Psychology, Professor Susan Garthwaite, was keen to weigh in on this phenomenon:

“This news is a remarkable and fascinating case of self-administered psychological trickery” she explained. “Students really do believe that if they add mundane ventures to their daily inventory, including tenets of basic personal hygiene, they are somehow having a positive impact on their personal success.”

After one of our reporters repeatedly told Prof. Garthwaite that her work ‘shits all over Pavlov and Freud’ the academic granted us access to an archive of student interviews relating to studies of productivity and motivation in young adults conducted at the university. Here is what one test subject had to say:

“I need to make sure that I do at least 30% of the tasks on my to-do list every day to avoid mentally chastising myself for being a hapless slacker whilst simultaneously being a hapless slacker who can’t complete 30% of the tasks on their own to-do list. The ‘shower’ method is the compromise.”