Residents have been delighted by the news that Exeter could succeed ‘Jewel in the Crown of the Empire’ Hull as the next City of Culture.
The Whip can exclusively reveal the five-pronged attack the proposed bid will lay out for the panel of judges who decide the next winner.
Boasting ‘at least four’ Indian restaurants, two whole Pret a Mangers, and kebabs that are somehow both ‘best’ and ‘mega’, Exeter clearly has its finger on the zeitgeist of urban dining. And what does Hull have to offer? That’s right, a mug of brown River Hull water served with a side of worryingly high violent crime statistics.
Many have been known to forgo an insipid Saturday mic and guitar night at Phoenix for the authenticity of a bloke from Taunton honking a digeridoo outside Boots. Having been described as equal parts ‘enigmatic’ and ‘sexually charged’, performances from wind-bender provide nothing short of a spiritual awakening.
3. Night life
Iconic campus club The Lemon Grove, known affectionately as ‘The Lemmy’, flooded earlier this term. When the organisers were asked “with what?” they seemed confused, although everyone knows it was definitely not people.
4. Social diversity
“If I have to breath the same air as someone from Old LaFrowda I will physically pull out my own lungs for dry cleaning”, say residents of Holland Hall in unison at the start of every term. “It is so great to see people here from all the different corners of Surrey,” added another.
5. A Capella scene
We say scene, but really, the scene and wider city have been dominated the excellent Semi-Toned for as long as we can remember. Bringing pre-pubescent harmonies to our ears every time two of them spot each other in Top Top, or literally anywhere ever, a bid for City of Culture would feel hollow without them.
With fierce competition from such beloved and well-known family destinations as ‘Costa Del Salford’ and ‘Sunny Scunthorpe’, The Whip offers its full support, based on this impressive proposal, to Exeter.