Land or War: which type of Lord would you rather have turn up randomly at your door?

An immense debate is set to feature on BBC Question Time in the coming week regarding which is the lesser of two evils: warlords or landlords. With both lords devoid of any sense of morality or social justice, hell-bent on inflicting misery and hardship on innocent people, it will not be easy to reach a verdict.

The Whip can now offer a breakdown of the two contenders.

Warlords:

  • Known for conducting crimes against humanity
  • Mobilises armed forces to take over ungoverned territories
  • Exploits vulnerable citizens using methods of terror and crime
  • Pillages local homes and communities for own profit and gain
  • Usually found hiding in the woods or living in an invaded government building

Landlords:

  • Also known for conducting crimes against humanity
  • Mobilises ‘property managers’ and ‘estate agents’ to address their legal and ethical duties
  • Exploits vulnerable students through legal loopholes and crafty forms of negligence
  • Poorly furnishes uninhabitable properties for maximum number of tenants at maximum cost
  • Usually found reading The Telegraph in cafe chains wearing obnoxious socks

Verdict:

Our reporter spoke to third-year politics student and amateur warlord expert Paul Atkinson to find out his perspective on the debate:

“I’ve been waiting for a discussion of this gravitas to feature on the show for bloody ages” he explained. “Enough jibber jabber about that Jair Bolsonaro geezer’s work in Brazil, you know what I mean? Let’s get to the crux of real problems people face and tuck into the meaty stuff like student landlords and their evil agendas.”

When asked which lord he thought would triumph in the much anticipated discussion, the undergraduate responded:

“It’s a tough one for me. I like to immerse myself in warlord culture, you see. In my spare time when I’m not polishing my militia figurines and connecting with my virtual peers through World of Warcraft, I like to delve into Reddit pages on warlord conspiracies and re-watch the Kony 2012 propaganda videos.”

“For that reason I know pretty darn well how insidious warlords can be. However, being a student myself I am also far too well acquainted with the dark work of landlords and just as my dad always says about me and Richard Ayoade, the two are cut from the same cloth.”

He continued “I’ve been brainstorming the debate with some of my buddies and we’ve come to the conclusion that despite popular opinion, landlords are actually worse. When it comes down to who I would rather knock on my door unexpectedly in the afternoon and usurp me from my usual spot on the beanbag- it’s got to be my landlord. There’s something sinister about those guys that I just don’t get from warlords, I think it’s that sense of impending doom. And what’s worse really? Mass-murdering people in their own homes or refusing to fix the dishwasher on the day of a three-course dinner party? It’s a bit of a no brainer.”