As the days grow shorter, deadlines loom closer, and library desks become a finite commodity – much like gold or Match Attax cards. However, there is one less desk in the ASS library today after a grievous incident that occurred yesterday.
A student ‘forgot’ to signal that they had taken a break with a nifty ‘take a break’ wheel, and left the librarians with no option but to tow the desk. Maya Wright, a third year Philosophy student, went AWOL for 15 minutes and 34 seconds without any signal as to when she would return, if ever.
This neglect for the (really quite handy) wheel is being treated as hostile, and potentially an attempt to launch an Anarchist revolution, inspired by the hit film ‘Fight Club’.
Miss Wright agreed to speak to The Whip today, saying, “It’d be good to get out of the house”, following her exile from the rest of the student body.
“No, I haven’t seen Fight Club. I thought Brad Pitt was adequate, at best, in ‘Mr and Mrs Smith’, why would I want to see him again? And for the last time, I was not trying to spark the flames of an Anarchist revolution by leaving my desk unattended.
“I went outside for a cigarette and a catch-up with my mum. Not at the same time, that’d be insane – but I was only gone for fifteen minutes! When I came back, there was already a large removal lorry by my desk attaching its harness. The desk, plug sockets and all, was towed before I could say, ‘Lorry lorry go away, come again another day!’
“I’ve got to say, I feel a bit hard done by. Just because I forgot a little cardboard rectangle. This seems excessive.”
The Whip apologises for the language used by Miss Wright, but we believe it is our duty as journalists to give you the unfiltered truth. We would like our readers to know that we do not condone Wright’s position and were deeply unsettled by the profanity used by the student.
If this act is the first in a series of anti-establishment strikes, we urge our readers to stay safe. Other potential acts may include loaning a book from the library and never opening it, making up an essay question without consulting a tutor, or working in the Grace Reeves study centre for a change of scene.