Student Union removes every product containing the letters C, H, R, I, S, T, M, A and S in bid for totally secular seasonal celebrations

A bastion of secular seasonal glory.

The University of Leeds has today announced the first policy in a raft of new plans to turn the Student Union into a “bastion of secular seasonal glory”. Changess will commence with the removal of any product containing the letters in the word ‘Christmas’ in an attempt to “level the religious and festive playing fields.”

In a statement released this morning, a spokesperson for the University detailed the thinking behind the new initiative.

“Here at Leeds we maintain the policy that if nobody wins, everybody wins. We’re working towards a goal where the Student Union will be a bland, lifeless building that is completely inoffensive to everyone in a way that is both mind-numbingly dull yet unashamedly ‘wintry’. This move is the first step on that noble endeavour.”

Students have been left disappointed with the selection now on offer at the Union. Humpit, Common Ground and Salad Box were forced to close.

Similarly, Wok ‘N’ Go has announced a reduced menu of udon noodles, Essentials (renamed Eenl), beef, J2O and a new ‘egg and leek’ combo meal.

One student, who wished to remain nameless, contacted The Whip to reveal a sophisticated trade network of contraband items that has developed in lieu of the festive ban.

“I can get pigs in blankets straight from source if you’ve got the money. And if for some reason you have the urge to indulge in Christmas pudding, I can even get my hands on a couple of those.”

Despite opposition, the University is expected to announce further steps in their festive secularisation process in the coming days, with a leaked internal memo revealing plans to expel students named after any of the 12 apostles, remove Theology as an undergraduate degree, and ban gold, frankincense and myrrh from campus.

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