Walls of student house so thin everyone can hear each other not having sex


A six man student house was handed a painful reminder of its collective sexual ineptitude this week as it dawned on the tenants that the walls were so thin all they could hear was the heart breaking sound of involuntary abstinence.

In vain efforts to break their excruciating celibacy, the undergraduates have reportedly resorted to turning up to clubs they don’t like on nights they don’t want to go out on with people they find unbearable.

On Monday evening The Whip caught up with the inhabitants of the Redland residency allegedly all too aware of their self-inflicted silence. Our reporter managed to secure an interview as they grabbed their identical black North Face jackets from the cloakroom of Lola’s. When asked why they looked so crestfallen, one of the lads answered:

“None of us pulled again. I’m fucking fed up of my flatmates being able to hear me not have sex after a night out. The virginal silence is becoming a proper taboo. I mean the closest thing we get is when James forgets to use headphones as he watches his sadomasochistic porn.” He concluded “and even that gets boring after a couple of hours”.

“Maybe my choice to live inside a Smiths album was a massive mistake. I thought those acid-wash dungarees would suit my permanent frown so well that I’d get loads of action from girls that are still in the Effy Stonem phase, hankering for a ‘ne’er do well’ kinda guy.”

Only time can tell if the boys will pull ever again…but for the time being, the odd 3am ‘you guys wanna smoke?’ message in the group chat will have to suffice.

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