Rugby player outed as fraudster after papercut reveals he actually bleeds red

His chants of ‘bleed green’ were mere lies.

An Exeter rugby player has been accused of fraud after a paper cut revealed that his blood is red, mere hours after bellowing the ‘bleed green’ chant at a Wednesday afternoon fixture.

Archie Day, a second year economics student, has caused uproar throughout the Exeter community following the incident. An eager sportsman and proud Exonian, Archie had frequently chanted the ‘bleed green’ motto at both sports socials and rugby matches alike. However, recent events suggest he was lying to us all.

Late Wednesday afternoon in the spacious law library, Archie suffered a sharp scratch on the edge of his finger, following a brush with a piece of paper. According to reports, red blood began immediately flowing from his skin, setting in motion a controversy which is sure to shake the very heart of Exeter University.

Traumatised witnesses have described the scene. “He tried to hide it at first,” recalled Emily Rowland, “but the red stain was pretty obvious. Pretty soon after that somebody screamed and the whole library knew.” Toby Larone notes that shock quickly turned to hysteria. “Everyone was terrified, we all tried to run away. Somebody threw a bin at the window for a fast escape. One person immediately threw up.”

Fearful for both his reputation and his life, Archie made a quick escape through the forum and out towards town. Moments later, the first ever genuinely spontaneous flash mob formed on the forum floor, erupting into latin prose, in an apparent attempt to exorcise whatever ‘evil spirits’ might have been present.

Following Wednesday night’s events, multiple student bodies have accused Archie of fraud. An online petition for his expulsion has accumulated over 3,000 signatures. It’s even rumoured The Tab are planning to jump on this social bandwagon with their own hit-piece on him.

However, not all students have understood the uproar. As first year James Bennett commented: “Have you all gone mad? He’s a human being not a lizard! At least his blood wasn’t purple!”

Archie, who has been keeping ‘under-the-radar,’ was last sighted in Morrisons buying large quantities of fairy liquid and syringes.

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