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Glastonbury cancelled in favour of week long Quids In

There was simply more demand.

After some deliberation, organisers of Glastonbury festival decided this week that they would not be hosting the internationally-acclaimed event in 2019. Instead, The Whip can reveal, the funds will be diverted to a new event: a week long Quids In.

The event, usually held to great acclaim on Thursday nights at Unit 1, was deemed a suitable replacement when organisers trawled through the photos of sweaty students, balding locals & cringe-inducing VK bolters and were impressed with what they saw.

A spokesman for the organisers said as follows: “we’ve had our time in the, well, not sun, pouring rain and decided it was night time to pass the mantle onto another worthy establishment, and Unit 1 in Exeter was the obvious successor.”

Unit 1 wasted no time in announcing plans for a week-long night of Quids-In to supersede Glastonbury. “Honestly, who could compete with Quids?” said Chris Martin, whose band Coldplay was one of the acts due to headline next year.

Some remain sceptical that Unit 1 will be able to emulate the experience of Glastonbury, however Unit 1 spokesperson Liz Sharpe dismissed the naysayers, deeming that “they’ve obviously never endured the raw, fervent energy that pulses from that tacky dancefloor and flows from those puddles that build-up under the urinals.”

A decision has been made to bring in no guest performers, but instead to play the legendary mix of Martin Solveig’s ‘Intoxicated’ and Skepta’s ‘That’s Not Me’ for the entire week-long event.

“Honestly, I don’t care what music they play as long as VKs are still a quid, I’m skint,” admitted future attendee Cole Freeth, whilst a decidedly dull boy standing adjacent to him repeatedly droned on with such phrases as “OMG I love Quids! Best night out in Exeter!” and “I love VKs so much! Do you fancy a bolt off?”

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