A local drug dealer has today announced a major new green policy
aimed at tackling climate change. From next week Andy ‘J-Dog’ Jones will be
supplying ‘Baggies for life’ at an added tax cost of just 5p.
The move comes weeks after a scathing report announcing that
the human race is just 12 years away from irreparable damage. Long time buyers
have been divided on the policy, but Jones claims the move is not only good for
the planet, but also for business.
“It’s really two wholesome birds killed with one
eco-friendly stone. I get to enjoy the peace of mind that comes with being a
good environmentally conscious human being, and I get to exploit guilty
middle class students, all in one fell swoop.
“All of these kids natter on about their ‘Drum and Bass’ father, but they don’t talk about their Mother: she’s Mother to all of us, and her name is Earth. Everything I do is for her.
“Coincidentally, I’ve enjoyed a sharp uptake in sales from
likeminded brothers and sisters of the Earth – it’s amazing to be at the heart
of change like this. Namaste.”
Others, however, have been less receptive to the
environmental message Jones proposes. Some criticisms have been levelled that
it is, “More effort than it’s worth”, and, “Just a phony scheme to make vegans
feel less bad about doing cocaine every weekend”.
One anonymous former buyer said to The Whip, “I just want to keep politics out of my drugs. It’s just
such a shame that even something as uncontroversial as drug use has become
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