Crime rates plummet after inspiring ‘stay vigilant’ post on FSG


Manchester Police have produced a report detailing a stark decrease in muggings and burglaries in the Fallowfield and Withington area. The drop is thought to be due to the actions of one student, who bravely took to the Fallowfield Students Group Facebook page to reveal the existence of such crimes. Vinny Swindon, a third year student, last week posted on the Facebook group: ‘Stay vigilant everyone – just went for a piss and some weird old cunt robbed my bloody toaster – keep your windows closed.’ The brave post came as a shock to some members of FSG, many of whom were previously unaware of the threat of crime in the local area. One such student, Derren Smythe, spoke to The Whip: “If it hadn’t been for that post, I would have had absolutely no idea that burglaries happened in our area! I’d actually seen muggings first-hand in the past, but had assumed they were a friendly kind of ‘street hug’. It’s trailblazers like Vinny who inform the public and keep this community safe.” Chief Inspector Paul Garlicke announced to local news today that burglaries were down by around 26% percent from last week. Garlicke was particularly impressed by the cunningness and bravery shown by Vinny Swindon and other FSG prophets alike. “What we’re seeing here is the single best deterrent of petty crime since Stop-and-Search.” The police officer went on to add, “local residents need to start worrying less about shutting windows, hiding valuables and locking doors – these basic deterrents have aged poorly – and instead focus all their attention on using social media to publicise the crimes they hear about in the library”.

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