A full-scale investigation has been launched this week after a female second year student became the latest victim of sexual attack at the hands of the library’s electronic gates.
Crowds gathered outside the Forum to show solidarity with Florence Muller, who returned to the site of the incident and faced up to her electronic oppressor.
Surrounded by supporters, Florence announced: “it’s time someone spoke up on this and I can’t be the only one who has fallen victim to these menacing pincers. Who do these gates think they are? Deciding when we can and can’t enter the library, and expecting some sort of gratification for allowing us passage – what gives them the right to this entitlement?”
In a subsequent one-on-one interview with a reporter from The Whip, Florence relayed the incident: “I was going to grab a quick bite at Pret when BAM – I felt this cold grip on my flares. Immediately I pulled away and spun around, pulling out my pepper spray from my Fjallkraven Kanken backpack.”
“Luckily it was easy to find, because it was a 2 litre container and the only thing in there,” continued Florence, “but unfortunately the spray was ineffectual against the robotic menace. I’ve emailed Elon Musk about creating an EMP spray to combat electronic offenders in the future, but he hasn’t gotten back to me, the pig.”
Workers at the nearby SID desk expressed their sorrow that they were unable to help: “I couldn’t react quick enough, I hope she’s ok,” confessed Sally Walters, whereas recently made-redundant Paul Taylor commented that “she did have a good arse, to be fair.”