ASS water fountains just slow enough to give student time to overthink all of day’s problems


Existential despair was the name of the game in the Arts and Social Sciences library this afternoon after it was revealed that the water fountains are perfectly timed to allow students to ruminate on their problems.

Second year philosophy student Amber Platt was left questioning more than the usual meaning of life as the slow flow of H2O caused her to structurally assess her entire day. The Whip caught up with the morose undergraduate whilst she waited for her keep cup to fill up.

“Usually I study in Beacon House. The water fountains are just about quick enough there for me to make a mental note of what I need to do during a study break” she began tearfully.

The student continued, “I thought I’d try something different, since Zeno said something about variety leading to a spicy life, y’know? What harm could a chance of scenery have? It was fine at first as well.

“But as the faucet began to trickle slowly into my bottle, I began thinking of the day ahead of me: all the revision I’ve got to do for January, all the coursework on my plate, and having to buy a novelty secret Santa gift that’s shit enough to not look like I’ve put loads of effort in but not so bad I come off as uncaring. It’s a nightmare.”

Research undertaken on the fountain has suggested that Platt is not alone in her experience. Rumours are circulating that the facility bridges a gap crossing the ‘time/worry line’, a scientific marvel whereby standing still near certain affected objects causes anxieties to be transported or ‘dragged’ from the future to the present.

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