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‘I don’t know what you want from me’ says God after students pray simultaneously for exams to be over and for more time to revise

Exam season is taking its toll on all of us.

Thousands of university students across the UK were left shaken yesterday after a distant, bellowing voice shouting “I don’t know what you want from me” was heard coming from British airspace. The incident follows a series of claims that the all-powerful deity commonly known as ‘God’ is suffering from exam related stress after an onslaught of paradoxical prayers from panicking undergraduates.

Indeed, sources close to The Lord have suggested the tensions felt inside the Pearly Gates have stemmed from numerous higher education attendees asking him to actualise two incompatible states of affairs – exams finishing right now, and an indefinite amount of time to keep revising.

God himself issued a statement on Friday expressing his concerns:

“I’m so confused. Do students need more time to pretend to revise, or do they want to rip the proverbial band aid off knowing full well that their entire futures are fucked? It’s driving me crazy.”

After hearing this, we managed to score an exclusive interview with God’s close personal adviser and Head of H.R., The Angel Gabriel.

Gabe told our reporter that religious leaders and people around the world need to ‘give God a break’:

“A bit of empathy for the boss would be nice. He finds this period very taxing. You think resurrecting Jesus was a miracle – it’s got nothing on attempting to squeeze any sort exam based success out of these undergrads.”

Some naysayers however have not been so convinced:

“God, whose whole schtick is apparently knowing everything, has proven himself more useless than anyone sitting their exams this week” said one angry student. “I don’t care if what I’m asking for is physically and logically impossible. I want exams to be over AND I want more time. Make it happen big man!”

 

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