“Why do I always leave everything to the last minute?” Says unit coordinator yet to come up with exam questions

Unbeknownst to an entire cohort of third-year Archaeology students who have been revising since late December, the questions for an exam that will have a profound and weighty impact on their total degree average are yet to be written.

Bernard Lionel, the course’s unit coordinator, took to his out-of-office (OoO) Twitter account yesterday to write ‘Why do I always leave everything to the last minute?’ accompanied by two monkey-covering-their-eyes emojis.

Stephen Barclay, a close friend of the archaeological bigwig, was quick to retweet on his own OoO account with the caption ‘Moood #Westminster.’

With the exam scheduled for tomorrow, a reporter from The Whip got in touch with Mark to find out why he’s so repulsively incompetent and clearly has no real respect for his students or indeed, his job.

“Hey now! I’ve had a LOT on over Christmas!” He explained angrily. “My sister Carol has been over visiting from the States and we’ve been pottering around, going to farmer’s markets and so on so forth. I’ve also really rediscovered my passion for handcrafting wicker baskets, bassinettes, garden stools and other such delicate outdoorsy furnishings. So, umm hullo! I’ve-been-busy. And that’s not even taking into account the gig I’ve just bagged playing synth for the departmental choir. Life IS a roller coaster, and I’m not going to apologise for riding it.”

When reminded about the significance of this exam for his students’ overall mark and the undue stress they are put under during exam season, Bernard said: “It’s going to be fine. I’ve got enough print credit for the usual number of students who turn up so I’ll just throw something together the night before and pop them on the desks in Coombe Dingle by the morning. I’m an early riser and I work well under pressure so it should be alright.”

He added, ‘besides, Archaeology students aren’t realistically going to contribute anything meaningful to society anyway so one hole in their grade isn’t the be all and end all.’