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‘I’ve seen some things man!’: James Baillie sofa explains its harrowing past

Heavy stuff!

First year is a time of frivolities and fun for most, especially in one of the most notorious halls in Leeds. But after a residence at a lively James Baillie flat, one leathery member, Sofa 678 of flat B.1, reveals to The Whip how its time with a Veterans’ support group helped it come to terms with its harrowing past.

“Randy buggers. That’s what I’ll say about first years. I think they forgot that I too was an equal member of the flat and not just an inanimate object on which to do their dirty deeds. During the first month I couldn’t go a day without either being ashed on or used as a surface for racking up lines.

“It turns out Veterans are the only people that understand me. Dave, for example, has just got back from a tour of the Helmand, every night stricken with fear with death or disfigurement a none to distant reality. That’s how I felt when each evening was met with another pair of horny freshers mindlessly rutting on my worn faux leather exterior.

But it wasn’t only the action on the cushions which tainted this sofa for good.

“I have SEEN some things. Raw chicken, a variety of narcotics and a bucketful of blue vomit.  That was the main features of one night, and that was a Monday”, Sofa 678 explained. Covered in cigarette burns and inconspicuous stains, it is now incapable of finding a home elsewhere.

The tipping point for this sofa was seeing the leather covering of a fellow flat sofa ripped to shreds and eaten on a particularly wild Saturday night, as part of a dare.

“I knew where I was heading if I didn’t get out there sharpish. Now I’ve only got this group for support. It’s not much, but they cushion the blow, and Dave seems to be enjoying my company too, nothing beats the warm embrace of a sofa that really… understands.”

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