The Whip has been informed of a bizarre turn of events last night when a student awoke on the hard shoulder of the M5, after being taken home by a posse of drunken traffic cones as his evening ended.
Matthew Whetan, the unfortunate soul who was found on the highway this morning, had this to say: “The first thing I heard was the traffic. I thought I’d pulled someone living in Pennsylvania but when I opened my eyes… cones, cones everywhere.”
Eyewitnesses reported an especially intoxicated young man being viciously man-handled by at least six similarly inebriated cones that night. Maureen, 57, from Alphington, heard a commotion from outside her window, and claims she saw “At least thirty cones all ganging up on this poor young man, using him as a loudspeaker, drinking VK’s out of him – it was truly horrific.”
How Matthew ended up on the M5 has yet to be discovered given the state of the cones & the student on that morning, however Matthew claimed that he considered the Long-Island Iced Tea induced amnesia ravaging his memory was probably for the best.
Reports have come in over the last few weeks of multiple cone incursions into the inner-city clubs, some striking back at local students who have been known to steal, abuse, and torture these vulnerable beings.
The Whip reached out to Matthew, and several others for some insight into the student body’s view on cone-related hi-jinks, and the result was unanimous: messing around with traffic cones is “honestly one of the best things about being at University.”
Truly, a tradition which transcends culture, creed and race, and one which looks likely to infuriate the local city council for years to come.