Chilly’s bottle keeps liquids cool for 24 hours, fails to do same to owner

Politics student Jennifer Slate has been left furious after newly bought Chilly’s bottle managed to keep iced still water cool for 24 hours but failed to do the same to her.

Speaking to The Whip, Jenny revealed how she picked up the revolutionary insulator in the January sales in a desperate bid to move a couple rungs up the social ladder.

“I mean they’re just objectively cool. They’re bright, they’re bold and giving a shit about the environment is the big thing for 2019 so I figured I’d jump ahead of the curve and get myself Chilly bottle.”

Whilst the bottle certainly performed its marketed function, Jenny explains how it failed to have the desired effect on her social life.

“Turns out Chilly bottles aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. First of all everybody has one, they’re fucking everywhere! Constant reminders of my own conformity in the form of an overpriced, pastel coloured water bottle.

“I thought buying it would make me out to be some sort of socialite; but I still can’t talk to boys, still wear clothes that actually fit me, and enjoy nothing more than an afternoon spent listening to the Hamilton soundtrack.”

As Jennifer’s search to be cool continues, The Whip will keep readers posted on the essential parts of her personality she chooses to disregard in exchange for the most recent fad and fashion.