the whip

Oak House students seeking prison sentences in bid for more homely accommodation

Crime rates in Fallowfield have soared this month, with a rapidly increasing number of students breaking the law in an attempt to be  imprisoned by police. The startling rise in illegal activity is reported to be as a direct result of students believing that living in a cell would be a more comfortable living experience than sharing a flat in Oak House.

The Whip spoke to first year student Tom Cox, to gain an understanding of this new illegal phenomenon.

“I spent a fair bit of time researching living conditions in prisons whilst at the library as a new procrastination technique, and I made some quite groundbreaking discoveries,” Cox stated.

“It turns out that in prison the single beds are both wider and longer, and the walls aren’t painted a hideous lime green. Even the cell numbers on the door are written in a nicer font than the door numbers in Oak House.”

Cox also detailed how he intended on gaining a cell to lodge in, explaining that after significant research into which crimes warrant a mandatory prison sentence, he’s decided that armed robbery is the most practical option.

“Armed robbery seems a pretty safe bet,” he confided. “I was thinking of popping to Withington to do a bit of market research – wandering around with a clipboard and taking notes”.

However, one potential flaw in Cox’s plan, which seemed to be causing him concern, is how challenging it is to actually get the police to make arrests.

“My main worry at this stage is how difficult it is to get the police to take an interest in the crimes being committed. I don’t want to break into a house unless I’m guaranteed to be arrested for aggravated robbery.

“Even if I ring the police to hand myself in, it seems highly unlikely that they’ll actually make an appearance.”

With this in mind, Cox is looking at more serious crimes, which will guarantee him a response from the police.