‘If you don’t have a splash of cologne, you won’t secure any vagina!’ says club toilet attendant on first day in job
A Clifton Triangle club toilet attendant has put his foot in it this week on his very first day in the job. Aspiring WC MC Ben Dover shocked club-goers and co-workers alike by flouting his profession’s cardinal rule – always rhyme.
“I’m really disappointed with myself. Both my parents were magic toilet attendants, and I’ve been working really hard to try and follow in their footsteps” he explained earnestly. “It’s just that I’ve never really been able to tell the difference between innuendo and, well, the stuff I say. You say potato, I say po-tah-toe. You say “As the Actress said to the Bishop”, I say “The REDACTED actress said REDACTED got on her knees and REDACTED spittle REDACTED until the REDACTED Bishop’s REDACTED REDACTED cock was red-raw”. That’s pretty “Ooh er missus” isn’t it?”
“I was shocked” said second-year James Martin, who was in and out of the Gravity toilets all that night. ‘It was just so inelegant. It really threw me off my rhythm. When you take away the rhyme, most of what these dudes say is just kind of gross.”
He continued “That’s why I called the union actually. I feel for the guy, but if he can’t perform the incantations that imbue his collection of cologne with magical properties then maybe he shouldn’t be working at a place like Grav, you know? He didn’t even have any incense, he just flamethrowered some Lynx Africa with a lighter.’
The Whip reached out to the Magic Triangle, the toilet attendant’s union for comment, but all we received was an E-Card in the form of a weathered scroll. Its message played once, before fading to white:
No Rhyme, no sexy-time
No innuendo, no carnal crescendo
Just a hint, they’ll need a Smint (one pound, only one pound)
But say it out-loud –
They won’t get plowed.
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